the ab.sent emotion

i woke up today and went to sleep with a synth review. karen (new) had hurt hip, slept strange, computed as i kept sleeping in on my (our) day (days) off. i could only see a flinty beat in the foreground, a press of 70's electro that seemed new even today.

in the only dream recollected, i looked around a corner constructed from rock. i saw a LARGE dome, an archaic building, but built from perfect gothic architecture and deliberate structure. it was nested neatly inside of a much larger cove of gigantic rock, a solid giant that was much older than the dome but entirely there to protect and house it. i was terrified to peek around at it, but at the same time amazed. as i awoke from the dream, i immediately thought that i'd seen a real place in my dream. like, that place, in the world, somewhere, and i'd just visited it in spirit, but not in physicality. and i felt like i might visit it sometime soon?

with eyes opening (still that morning), i remembered my own similar conscious feelings about the Duomo in Florence (Firenze), Italy. that's a huge fucking dome, too, and as i walked around it in sheer spectacle, i cringed and marveled at it's fright and luminance. that was in the summer.

being the highest point in Florence, i vowed i would never go to the top (called the 'Cupola') as i walked around it in the street. a day later, i forced myself to try, believing direct experience can be a positive tool to battle old irrational fears with. i made it to the base of the dome when i couldn't get my body to move upward any more; i continued back down the way i'd came.

that night i remember having the most acute sense of death, at least that i can consciously remember. i had TERRIBLE allergies in europe and was on mixed and new medication, which ran out (apparently) at some point in the middle of the night. i woke up with nose completely blocked, eyes entirely crusted shut, bugs buzzing in my ears, and throat swollen to mimic the feeling of breathing through a straw. i was in a dark damp cheap old dorm room, but for a few minutes i had NO IDEA that was the case. all i could think of was how scared i was, and how i was dying, and how i could do nothing about it. which didn't help my breathing troubles at all, surprise surprise.

i usually don't feel like i'm dying. so that scared the shit out of me, and i forgot about it till this particular morning and this instance of dream. i think it's good to feel sometimes. makes the fear of death a bit more rational and close to your heart.

"the duomo in the dream, the feelings when i was there, fear of death." said to myself.