2 @ 10:59

(pm)

the first involves the seasonal version of cultural lag. i always think that the winter will slow me down, i'll hibernate, i'll stop going and settle, and lose touch and be subtle while single, and just sleep. then winter comes and i fucking turn it up, to compensate for weather, to show my lack of confidence in dealing with cold and new clothes. like change is that rough, and i always forget about it. then spring comes and i want to go out, but i'm exhausted and lonely from all the follies, all the overcompensations that ice slip tried to play off as breakdance. and i'm stuck inside when the weather's nice and can't talk to anyone anymore. the well: the reasons.

the second is the budding of a new style of nothing. let me stop to quick the catch, i just stare out of a fucking bus window and play off the irrelevance of apathy. like, i'm really thinking about something, really trying, but i'm just echoing lyrics in my head that have lost meaning in the repeating. "at least i can breathe," i tell myself as a strange-eyed customer tells me that "any day above the dirt is a great day". i now know that anything worth fighting is a meaning for short and painful knees. we all bite our hands at the end of the day, and it's those that still have hands left that do the grabbing of things, certain goblets and breasts and artist-type artifacts. (my) eyes drop as the ideas hit below the floor.

--- spotless black fabric ---

i recently wrote a large soapbox on economy and misperceptions. it was preachy and annoying, so i've changed it. the best parts included:

"the sad truth about most people is that money and fashion are big determinants of self-worth and the perception of others. however, it is pretty solid fucking bullshit, and i think it helps to be conscious of that."

it's interesting to see the effects of money on such a mass scale. i've sworn that i'd never get a large black felt jacket, and then i saw a friend in one the other day. s'how it goes, i s'pose. and it's a strange feeling to get bad looks at a bar for breaking their obvious rules about importing beverages, and then to say to the man in charge: "don't worry - it won't happen again, mostly because i'll probably never go to this place again in my life" and meaning it. not in retaliation, or with spite, but just in complete truth. probably the reason why trust is much harder in these parts.

speaking of which: 1) there is a woman i find terribly engrossing and adorable. she feels similar, or so it seems, and it's hard on both parts to know what the fuck is going on. but it's so lovely we don't care. interesting? who knows. all's i see is eyes. and; 2) that girl who caught my eye and was written about a few blogs ago (SEE: past blogs down page) caught the eye again 2 days ago. then, today was in the store, but i shaved beard totally and cut hair dramatically. in response: NO eye. she was just into the beard. bummer.

but it's an interesting and lovely and turbulant and calming time. time for sleep, and the best dramatics of relaxation to take hold. i love the feeling of singing lightly to one another on the bus, and i hope to feel it's kiss and intoxication again.